Say hello to another personal blog post!
This one revolves around that ever so beautiful topic – Relationships. Personally I've never understood the opposite sex and believe that even in 20 years I will never understand them because humans in general are such complex creature which at times is so stressful! I've had my fair share of boy stress but it never really affected me until I actually properly started liking this one guy. One of my friends always asks me ‘How do you know you really like someone?’ and as cliché as this sounds – you will just KNOW! The first time you talk to them you will feel something a little different (well personally I did), you want to always be talking to them and you love being around them. I started realising my little tiny like for this guy around November but it was just a silly crush and he had a girlfriend anyway so I didn't really do anything. It wasn't until recently he broke up with his girlfriend and we exchanged numbers and we got talking. I looooved talking to him! You know the drill – get a message from him and your whole face lights up etc etc. To the point where I finally knew I genuinely like this guy and can see a future with him but obviously this wouldn’t make it into a blog post if something didn’t go wrong! I’m not going into all the little deets but long story short, one night he asked if I liked him and to me I thought this was the time we were both going to express our interest for each other. Haha. Well I was very wrong. He got his answer and just went to sleep... -_- I stayed up all night calling my friends and just crying my eyes out. This boy I liked had 0 interest back! Then the next day he took it upon himself to tell me thinks I’m pretty but he just isn’t interested in a girlfriend right now. Now I know what you’re thinking ‘wth...see he does like you just doesn’t want a girlfriend!! Girls are so overdramatic blah blah’ but in my experience, when a guy doesn’t see a 'relationship' with you, he doesn’t want you. Now if you don’t think that then it’s perfectly fine but this is just my view.
So anyway, I wont even lie I sunk to a whole new low. The thing is this happened very recently so even right now I feel like poop but hopefully this wont last long! I would look in the mirror and see the worst thing looking back at me; a ugly girl with this ugly body that no guy is ever going to like. We’ve all looked in the mirror and picked faults with ourselves and I done just that. If I ever caught a reflection of myself the tears would literally start pouring out, I HATED myself. This boy made me feel beyond ugly. If you guys don’t know, I have eczema and when I’m particularly stressed it flares up. At nights I just sat there scratching at my arms until they were red raw, I stopped eating for a few days and became very sick. And to make things worse this boy was still messaging me!
Personally I find it so sad that I let a guy make me feel like that, made me look in the mirror and feel so ugly and upset with everything about myself. I hated every little thing down to the little veins you can see through my skin. Kept trying to find reasons why he wasn’t interested in being my boyfriend and that’s when things got worse. I realised that in order to want to date someone, you have to like their personality..therefore this person did not like me as a person. I tried to change my humour a little bit to suit him, be rude at times to catch his attention and then be overly nice! He really could not keep up with these sudden changes in my mood. All along I never once thought to stop and just think. Because I thought I was thinking about everything logically but evidently I was not. I was changing myself for a guy who might never want me. No matter how many times my friends tried to convince me different, this boy was not interested in a relationship with me. Now I have to go through this long process of acceptance and it really does not help when he’s still talking to me all friendly.
I guess the reason why I’ve written this post is just to kind of help anyone else going through ‘heartbreak’ or ‘rejection’. I for one am sick and tired of feeling like crap! I can’t take looking in the mirror and not liking even a little something of what I see and I certainly don’t like the fact I stopped eating my favourite foods! And all for what? Some guy who I probably won’t remember in a few years time? A guy who is feeling none of these emotions? A guy who does not care for me? Why am I sitting here caring when the feelings aren’t mutual? It’s time to pick myself up and just change my life and attitude towards it. Fair enough this one boy isn’t interested in me but there are millions of guys out there! Millions of people out there and I’ve not even met an 1/8th of them. I guess what I’m really trying to say is don’t waste your time and energy into someone who won’t at least give you half of theirs. We’re worth so much more and one person can’t take all of that away from us. Sitting here all alone and looking at ‘Forever Alone’ quotes is not going to help me and I know in a few years I’m going to look back and laugh at myself. So for now it really is Me, Myself & I. No more stressing. No more waiting for his message. No more sleepless nights. I am happy with myself and no guy will ever change that but I take this as an experience I have really learned from :)
Now if you excuse me this revision isn’t going to do itself unfortunately :(
Until next time – Adios Amigos
xoxo
